Sezionare la notte e il cuore
by Phoenix-Bellamy
Summary: Take a look inside Hwoarang mind...His fears, his doubts about his relationship with Jin...(YAOI)/Slight OOC


Sezionare la notte e il cuore

Pairing: Hwo/Jin

Disclaimers: I do not own neither the characters (Namco) nor the song. "Dancing" lyrics belongs to Elisa, The title can be translated as: "To dissect the night and the heart." and it's taken from "Tutti i miei sbagli" -Subsonica

Author's notes: Take a look inside Hwoarang's heart. SLIGHT OOC! If you'll like it, I could write a second chapter showing Jin's POV, OK? Whatever, remember this are thoughts... They aren't coherent! (I can't even say what I was thinking two seconds ago ^^'' and you?)

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Five years had passed, since we are together.

What day was it? I'm quite sure it was the 9th of September...Rain fell silently on the streets of Tokyo, and seems to wash away with its drops my sorrows too. 

I was sitting on a bench, watching the grey and oppressive sky over my head, just outside the hotel which a year ago had hosted the Tekken Tournament.

A year had passed since you was beaten by the great Blood Talon AKA me, Hwoarang.

I don't why I came there. Perhaps, deep in my heart I knew you'd be there too.

You know, patience had never been my virtue and I was longing to fight.

Yeah, I wanted to humiliate you again, even if I already had my revenge on you.

I went in the same place where our fight had been interrupted, that's the parking area of the Grand Hotel.

You weren't there. 

I didn't feel angry for your refusal to have another match together. I felt sad and finally I had to deal with my pride and admit I needed your presence to fill that painful void in my heart.

I was going to hug my knees, to protect myself from the penetrating freezing autumnal breeze of that fucking metropolis, when you sat right beside me pressed my shaking body against yours.

Your musky scent smelled so damn good, it inebriated and intoxicated me, and it was only when I felt your darting tongue fight against mine for control, that I realised you were kissing me.

It was too late.

I fell in with love you a few seconds after, when you said "Hwoarang, don't go away. Aishiteru." kissing tenderly my forehead.

And now...Five years had gone by.

Do you understand? Five YEARS...Not a few weeks or months.

1826(or one thousand, eight hundred twenty seven?) days together.

Unbelievable, isn't it? Over all for me, I have to admit it! When I met you the first time, if someone had told me you were the one with I lived my longest relationship, I would ask him (or her probably, because women are so good to tell craps) if he/she was crazy.

But life doesn't ever have a meaning. Oh, well...Sometimes it has, but it's always so stupid or unfair, just unacceptable You learn that it's better living, than lose your time wondering why did you fall in love with someone you used to hate.

Hate and love are the two faces of the same coin. I have to agree with this. If you were so despicable, worth of being dispraised; why did I waste my time with such a pansy mama boy? I could just ignore someone like the odious Kazama, if I had no feeling for him.

And once I had my revenge, it was stupid to keep hating you for being the only one who I can't licked up in a fight. It's easy to say you're the best, when no one of your opponents is at your level. Isn't it?

It's completely different to win over someone you start to think is almost invincible.

When my pride had been satisfied, I found out the truth. That void in my heart was still there.

So I had the guts to be honest with my self: Hwoarang you've fallen for Jin! It was difficult to deal with it. You know, I was certain you couldn't love me.

Anyway, I don't know how but I succeed in revealing my feeling to you.

And here we are.

I'm still with you. My proclaimed worst enemy and my best friend at the same time.

I'm always your good-for-nothing boyfriend; your kept man... Ain't I? And you're my wonderful lover, the lusty Jin who can satisfy whole mine sexual urge.

Time had passed, but I said it before, hadn't it

.

Awww...It's sad! Very sad...How old are we now?

Twenty-six, nearly twenty-seven. I feel kinda old, you know? I'm sure you would never admit it, but you have the same feeling. You should remember, I said it to you at least a thousand times: I can read your every thought, because it's written on your face. In the way you talk to me with that sad, melancholic yet not depressing musicality in your voice, or the slightest shades of your amber eyes turning into the darkest black, or just the trembling I notice on the corner your lips when you see on the calendar your birthday is approaching.

In two months you'll be older, and even if you tell everyone it doesn't matter to you, I don't believe ya.

That's it! Silly fools, aren't we?

Me? Oh, don't talk about it! I'm speaking with my boyfriend, who's still asleep! Well, it doesn't make so much difference. It's not nice to say that, but lately our conversations lack of interesting subjects...I'm afraid he's getting bored of me. For normal people it's hard it could happen, I could dare to say almost impossible. I don't show my real personality to the others... They only know the stubborn, arrogant and bold Hwoarang. The one with that hateful ever-present smirk on his face.

Instead, I found it's harder and harder to impress my boyfriend. I want to make something he doesn't even imagine for our fifth anniversary... And I have no ideas.

Bad side of being so addicted to your body...ne?

I stand up, covering carefully your shoulders. I don't want to wake you up...Lately, every little thing I do is so wrong for you. Well, to be honest...I don't know anyone who doesn't get angry of my egotistical behaviour. Besides, it's hard to find someone touchier than myself! I get offended for nothing.

I believe there's no one who could be as overconfident, arrogant and proud as I am.

Well, what can I say to justify my dreadful manners?

Nothing.

You have to take me as I am. I said it to you five years ago, and I won't get tired of repeating this concept over and over again. As much as I love you, I won't change just to accommodate your desires.

People say this is not real love. I just don't give a fuck about them. This is the way my heart, my body, my soul and my mind had learnt to love...I wished to be someone else many times, to be as good as you are but I'm still the same.

With my faults, my convictions, my values and my fears. These latter a special place in my heart, just for them. Sometimes they scream in my head. They're so loud that I can't ignore their voices... They become angrier and angrier as the time passes by. I want them to go away, but deep inside my soul I know. I know they were a side of my personality as dignified, as worth to exist, as the others.

If I learnt to deal with them, I have to thank you.

I shift the long black locks from your eyes, kissing lightly your forehead.

Then, I walk slowly into the kitchen...Oh my God! I should have prepared myself for this awful sight...

Yesterday we had dinner with Xiaoyu, Steve and his mother Nina William's, Eddy and his wife Christie for our fifth anniversary.

Fifth.

It makes me shudder, no matter how weird I sound to your ears. I hate odd numbers...I'm kinda obsessed with that you know. I invited Lee just before eight and not seven!

I start to wash the terrifying amount of dirty dishes abandoned on the table.

Fucking gloves! Where the heck are they?

I would ruin my poor and delicate skin, just because you are so messy!

Five years are such a long time...I wonder if I lost the chance to be a better man, and to have the life I dreamt 'till I was four. My answer is always equal: I don't care; as long as I have the man I love by my side.

Steve asked me how could resist for so much time, and not regret the freedom a life on my own could give me. It was hard to find a satisfying reply, a respond that could express the contrasting feeling inside me.

You're so jealous...Truthfully, I have to admit I live in a golden cage and that is THE REASON we had so much fights since we start going out together. And it is still the main subject of our struggles... Why it's so hard for you to have faith in me?

Do you really love me? I do love you, Jin.

If I have to be sincere, I surrender to your stupid jealousy because I was so fucking frightened.

I renounced to my freedom, because I was too afraid of being alone again.

I didn't want someone could abuse of me and throw me away as I was just rubbish. 

"As much as I love you, I won't change just to accommodate your desires." That's what I though just a few minutes ago... How could I be such a hypocritical? How could I lie even to myself?

As I could be someone without you. 

As I could live without you.

After Heihachi's death (well, it was about fucking time! He couldn't live forever!) and Kazuya's strange disappearance, you're the leader of Mishima financial Empire.

And what am I?

Could I erase my temptation to live for you?

Or I have to leave and go God knows where, maybe on another planet?

-Time is gonna take my mind

and carry it far away where I can fly

The depth of life... Will dim my temptation to live for you....and...-

I'm not strong enough to rebel against my masochistic side, that's it. You might think it's just that I love pain and sorrow, but you are wrong. Oh, you can't ever imagine how much you are mistaken. Yeah, mistaken. Have I to spell it to you? M-I-S-T-A-K-E-N.

I deserved all the grief I had in my life. Certainly, I can't say I'm perfect. I'm neither a saint nor a devil.

I'm an angel with broken black numbed wings. And the weight of my sins keeps me chained to this ungrateful land.

What have I just said? Am I an angel? Oh no! I'm undervaluing myself! Me, Hwoarang Doo San... Underestimating myself! What a joke...

If I were the same I was six years ago, I'd say I was at least one of the most adored divinities of the world!

It's an acknowledged truth that times changes people's mind...I can't say if its work is a good one or if it makes just things worst, more complicated and sorrowful than they just were.

I used to avoid people with my coldness, my boldness and my audacity. I let you came into my life, claim my love and lead my destiny.

Just because I trusted in you.

Did I make a mistake?

I'll never know.

Just don't leave me, Jin...Please. 

Don't be so mean to me.

I don't wanna be alone anymore, but I know nothing is eternal in this world.

Overall, not love.

But if you ever fall in love with someone else, please kill me because I would go mad. I can't live without you.

We're one soul in two different bodies. And even if I die, I'll be always alive in your heart.

It doesn't make sense to say you're the air that I breathe, or to proclaim you're the light that shines in my darkest nights... You aren't.

You are I. There's no part of me, which doesn't belongs to you.

And I know you don't feel the same about me.

Me.

Me.

Me... Could you see how selfish I am?

If I'm happy, then everybody has to be happy.

If I'm depressed, then the whole world has to whimper with me.

God, it hurts.

My heart.

It hurts.

So much.

-If I were to be alone...Silence would rock my tears

'cause it's all about love and I know better

How life is...A waving feather...-

Am I crying? Yes, I am.

I have to wipe my tears away before you come in; I don't wanna you to see how weak I am.

I.

I.

Always I.

Could I be less egotistical? I don't think so.

I am what I am. And I'm not so sure I like it.

When do I begin to be so fucking paranoid?

I think it was when I met my mother, the same woman that I left when I was thirteen; when I was so childish to think it doesn't matter to me if she despised her own offspring.

She was always so harsh, insensitive and cruel. With that cyan eyes that froze me ever she though I made something wrong. And she never told me what I had done to deserve her glares.

She never touched me, neither to punish nor to cuddle me. Not a hug or a kiss. I hated her. She always made me feel so useless. It was worthless for her to spend her time with a good-for-nothing son like me.

So I run away from my home, and I went to Beak Doo San dojo, to learn Tae Kwon Do.

Anyway...

I was buying some beers and alcoholics for my birthday, and outside the market I had this memorable meeting. She looked at me, rather impressed to see her proud and fiery child again. Maybe she believed that without her I starved, or that I died congealed by the freezing Korean winter.

 "Are you still alive? I hoped you died like your father. On his fucking motorcycle. That bastard, motherfucker asshole... And you just look alike him. The same mischievous smirk, the same slyness...The same scornful stare.

I'm still wondering why I haven't aborted the day I discovered the "astonishing gift" your daddy gave to me.

You're so disgusting to my eyes. I'm horrified... Someone my blood inside his veins... As sordid as his father was...I should have killed you when I had the chance."

I tried to reply. She had no right to attack me so vehemently. It's not my fault if she's a bitch, and I can't help but detest her. And it's so fucking hard to hate your mother... It makes me wish I wasn't born. 

She would be happier. 

I would be happier. 

Everybody would be happier.

Well, perhaps everyone except you. And you're everything for me... If you tell me to live just for you, I would.

In your arms, I won't ever feel refused. In your dazzling heat, I will lose and find myself again.

Do you understand, now, why your love means so much to me?

I've nothing but you.

My fingertips are all wrinkled from washing these damned dishes, you know?

Besides, I told you at least ten thousand times that I'm allergic to washing-up liquids, and to everything that contains soap! If I don't go shopping on my own, I can swear you'll forget my problematic intolerance.

Yeah, I'm not exaggerating! Try to take a bath or a shower when you can't use neither soap nor bath foam just because your foolish boyfriend, the most idiot being of the universe, can't read a stupid list properly!

I swear that if I sent my ferret, Armageddon, his purchases will be better than yours!

I wonder... What do you have your brain for?

To demonstrate humans could be duller than monkeys?

And people guess they can rely on you just because you've an intelligent appearance!

Mhhhhh...It's just that sometimes I just hate you for your flippantly behaviour... You seem lost in your own world, and you always exclude me from it.

After several weeks we were a couple, it turned out that behind your façade of serious and rational man you're the personification of absent-mindedness.

But I do love you, Jin.

I hear your footsteps from the bedroom, but I don't mind anymore. You're free to do whatever you wish as I'm allowed to cry whenever I want to.

Well, done Hwoarang! Keep scratching your hands and arms!

And perhaps, now you're wondering if Jin is really the stupidest one...It's strange that now you're itching all over, isn't it?

Itch is so intense that it seems to burn under your skin.

Your limbs are now full of red stripes, as you cut them with your accumulate nails.

"Hwoarang...Stop hurting yourself."  You whisper in my ear. Your hot breath on my cold flesh wakes my senses up, and I shiver as your arms encircle my slender frame.

I curse under my breath for not noticing you were walking into the kitchen, right behind me.

Even without your devilish senses, I should have perceived someone was watching me! You could stab my back, and I would have noticed it just once the knife was lacerating my poor body!

I know you wouldn't try to kill me...But, it's like my mama always told me... It's easy to nurse a viper in your bottom. Look how it ended up with you! 

I could feel the smile which is drawing on your lips...It's so funny to take a fool of me, isn't it?

Suddenly your feathery touch becomes unbearable. I want more.

More.

MORE.

Taking advantage of my lack of reactions, your hands slide slowly from my bare shoulders to my pulsating wrists.

I'm utterly shocked when you hold them strongly, rather painfully, and you force me to give up struggling.

You hold them just as long as the itch is tolerable, and then you release me kissing my wrists lightly.

You scare me sometimes, do you know it?

Of course you know it.

And I'm still crying. 

Why? There's no reason to.

But tears are still falling like rain on the smooth planes as known as my cheeks.

It makes me think to a poem written on a velvet-covered book, "Romances sans paroles" of Paul Verlaine.

_- Il pleure dans mon cœur_

_Comme il pleut sur la ville_

_Quelle est cette languer _

_Qui pénètre mon cœur?_

_O bruit doux de la pluie_

_Par terre et sur les toits!_

_Pour un cœur qui s'ennui_

_O chant de la pluie!_

_Il pleure sans raison_

_Dans ce c œur qui s'écœure_

_Quoi! nulle trahison ?_

_Ce deuil est sans raison._

_C'est bien la pire peine_

_De ne savoir pourquoi_

_Sans amour sans haine_

_Mon cœur a tant de peine.-_

It's so sad you're melancholic and you don't know why.

Even if nothing is wrong, you find out it's hard to give a meaning to your life.

Everybody is cheerful and you feel like crying and screaming but you have no voice.

After two years passed with you in France trying to escape from Tekken Force I can speak and understand French quite well; and although I really hate it as spoken language 'cause it sounds too pompous and effeminate to my ears, I grown to love French literature.

Especially Baudelaire and Verlaine as poets, Chateaubriand and Hugo as novelists.

Wipe that dumbfounded expressions off your face, I could be a jackass sometime but that don't means I never read a book.

I also like music.

The most beautiful present someone had ever given was the one you gave to me for our fourth St. Valentine together.

More than a year ago.

It was simply a tape, which contained all the sweet melodies that meant something in our relationship.

Every song reminds me of a certain situation, of a specific day...

Anger and sadness, happiness and bliss. All these feeling fed my heart and made me cry and laugh altogether.

I remember that you looked very hurt when you heard my laughs. And you pout when I started crying.

You didn't know what to think... You discovered your boyfriend was a sentimental, frail and sensitive man. It really stunned you, didn't it?

But you were so cute that I couldn't resist: I had to jump on you then and 

there! 

Oh, and then we made love all night long... The best fuck in my long twenty-seven years!

"Hwoarang, why did you get up so early?"  You ask, resting your chin on my shoulder. 

"Mind your own business, Kazama." I reply dryly, avoiding your inquisitor glance. Hearing your surname coming from my lips, you step back; knowing very well that I use it only when I'm really angry with you. 

"Is there something I need to know, Hwoarang?" Judging by the way you hissed, I presume you won't give up on your dear boyfriend 'till I confess what's the matter with me. 

"Nothing." 

"If you expect me to believe it, you're just as idiot I thought." You murmur; folded arms on your muscled stomach and a stern look into your pitch black eyes.

Don't look at me like this, as if you can read you mind and see how low could I be as human being.

You could see your disgusted look, you know?

Just because you think I've cheated on you!

I'm naked in front of your burning gaze, exposed to whatever psychological attack you're going to use on me.

In five minutes, I will be going to confess I went out with Julia last night! Even if it isn't true!

But that's you wanna hear from me, isn't it?

It's true. Sometimes guilt hit me with so much violence that I hardly menage to fight back my tears.

Well... It's not the kind of guiltiness you're thinking, Kazama!

I regret I've not been able to save Beak from Toshin, that's all!

"YOU ARE RIGHT, KAZAMA! MY LIFE SUCKS!

I'm nothing compared to my boyfriend! It's understandable that he had pretended for so long that he loved me...

He has always been kind, nice and generous with everyone.

Maybe he felt pity for me, but it's kinda obvious our love isn't mutual.

I love him, he loves me not.

Face the reality! Every time I try to keep some secret from him, he immediately thinks I'm betrayer!

He's the most precious gift my life had ever gave to me and I'm losing him just because I'm too proud to admit I'm feeling sad because he changed so much with me and instead I'm still the same I were five years ago!

I don't want him to laugh of my fear to face again the loneliness.

I don't him to see how weak I am."  I nearly scream the whole sentences directly in his ears, and once I had take all the frustration, anger and sadness out on Jin, I feel strangely better. 

I silenced my potty mouth for too long, and it was time for me to express all my feelings to him.

I want to be honest with Jin, as much I desire not to hide the truth again to myself.

Being quite satisfied of my frankness with him, I decided to turn around and meet finally his eyes.

Waiting for his reply, I leaned on the sink's marbled surface and I started cracking my knuckles.

I know it'll irate him, but I'm just trying to ease my nervousness. 

"You want him to love someone else. No matter if he still has, after five years, a huge crush on you.

Not you as the perfect, flawless, immaculate and pure Hwoarang who doesn't exist in the reality; but for the grumpy, moody, short-tempered and lovely imperfect man you are.

And it doesn't matter at all, if you show new sides of your twisted personality. It could only make you even more intriguing, sweetheart.

If he doesn't love ya, he doesn't deserve to spend his life with you.

He can't appreciate the pure pleasure an unpredictable person like you could give.

The pleasure to live day by day, forgetting all the responsibilities and the metaphysical questions that haunted my mind before you changed completely my life.

Before you I was blind, but since I've opened my eyes.... Your soul and mine are entwined. (Oh, Aki it sounds like "I belong to you" by Lenny Kravitz NdHwo I know -______- NdA14)

I loved you since the first time we met, I still love you and I will love you forever and ever. I don't give a fuck about what could happen in our future. 

My only certitude is my love for you.

Now, I just want you to listen up why I started this meaningless discussion...

Where do I begin?

Well, what I meant to say when I came in it was a lot simpler.

See you crying really sadden me... So please, could you wipe your tears and smile for me?" he concludes his monologue caressing my cheek, softly and gently, with his knuckles.

"Smile for you? You're too haughty, Jin!

What does make you think I will waste one of my precious smirks just because you asked it?" I answer grinning like a fool, even though my tears are still tracing little wet lines on my cheeks.

Then I stare your tall and bulky figure carefully, from your stupid fringe to your enormous tiptoes... There's something missing...

When you lift up my chin to nibble my bottom lip, and lick it sensually with your tongue; you take my graceful frame into between your arms and I suddenly realize...

How could I take seriously someone who makes solemn speeches without his trousers on?

OK, it seems impossible to you that such a weird thing could happen...But try to imagine you're in my place, OK?

If your boyfriend usually wears only his boxers when he's at home, would you notice if he put his pants on or not?

Jin and me have a strange kind of decency.

If it were not against law, I wouldn't mind to walk naked across the streets.

Anyway, he is wearing a cobalt blue shirt and black close-fitting boxers now.

I've a dark green vest and outsized beige trousers that despite their width, they really show up my firm and lean ass.

There's no clue this latter is the part of my body he loves the most...He likes to squeeze it or just to give it a quick palpation. 

About it, he's shameless...He had even pinch my poor back when we were in a very crowded elevator, just because we were so pressed against each other that I can't nudge him! I've jumped, yelling like that noisy girl AKA Ling Xiaoyu, right into Anna William's' arms who smirked back in a mischievously, yet frightening, way.

I started laughing madly, hugging tenderly Jin.

He doesn't seem to be hurt, in fact after a few seconds of puzzlement he beams. 

And hearing my contagious laughter, he starts to laugh too.

- So I put my arms around you 

Around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you 

They're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me-

Will I ever tell him my anguishes?

Will I ever be able to show him the deepest part of my soul? 

"Jin?" I call him, kissing him chastely on the lips.

I take his hands, and hold them tight entwining our fingers together.

"Mh?" he replies, hiding his face in my collarbone.

"Whatever happens, don't let go off my hand."

  
  
  


  
  



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